Monday, December 29, 2008
I've been feeling so uninspired lately thereby accounting for the lack of juicy updates. Heck, I've even toyed with the idea of deleting this blog entirely. Blogging is seen as an outlet of expression; though one can never be too careful on this cyber-realm we dub as the World Wide Web. Of late, there's been a dearth of plot and narrowness of imagination.
Yes, I find it difficult to express myself. Even in writing.
But 'dao', here it goes...
Everyone makes mistakes. One mistake. Two mistakes. Dozen mistakes. Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow. We all make mistakes. Every minute of our life we make decisions, some of which may turn out to be mistakes.
Sometimes we are told to learn from others' mistakes. But I firmly believe that we learn most from our own mistakes. So just go out there and make your own mistakes. You will definitely fall down, get hurt, cry, laugh, love, struggle, but you will always get back up, stronger.
Life is too short to stay down and feel regret for those mistakes. You just have to believe that everything happens for a reason. And if you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that life's going to be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. It’s not what you look like or what you have. But it’s the little things in life that make it all worth while..
Watching the sunset and the moon rise. Spending time doing crazy things with your friends. Moments where you spend those precious minutes with family. Random trips in the middle of the night. Taking a nice long walk. Dancing in the rain. Singing as if no one could hear you. Staying up all night with your best friend(s). Falling in love. Smiling. A hug. Conquering your biggest fear. Watching the waves crash into the sand. Spending a day shopping. Eating till your heart's content..
Life doesn't always give second chances, take the first one. Live it to the full (No such thing as Living life to the fullest; you would be committing a gross mistake if you did ;) ) with no regrets from yesterday. Maybe you will make your own mistakes but then you will never regret the things you learnt through the experience..
Just remember that you only get one shot..
One shot at this minute.
One shot at this day.
One shot at this age.
One shot at life.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment, and take from it everything you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. So what does one mistake mean if you see the big picture?
Labels: Life, Random Ruminations, World
2:19:00 PM
Friday, November 07, 2008
I have just had the most horrible night possible. It is interesting, how your own body can defy your own wishes.
I spent the whole night willing myself to sleep, or at least for my eyes to close, so that they won't be so devastatingly dry. I think I fell into a stupor around 4 this morning, and awoke again at 6.
Since then, I've went running and come back and... No yeah, that's all I've done since 7 this morning. I feel uncommonly detached from everything today. I can't seem to really process what's going on around me. I hear music playing, but I can't tell what song it is. I hear people speaking to me, but it takes time for me to process what they say and who is speaking to me. I read a book, and the words enter my mind, but it doesn’t process. In less time than I take to churn out an essay, I've finished an entire new book, without an understanding on what the story is about.
Even now, while I'm sitting in front of my computer, I can't seem to feel. I don't know whether the air conditioner is on, I don't know what's going on outside. I just seem to be in a daze. Is this what not sleeping does to you? I feel so detached.
I tried to cry just now, just to see if I could. I know there are actors out there who can turn on the tears automatically, but that has always been one skill that escaped me. The most that I could do was maybe to make my eyes slightly moist. I can't do that even now.
Acting is an incredible skill. To replicate certain emotions, you turn inside yourself, and you invoke that particular feeling through situations that you have been in before. To be a performer, it is essential to have a passion for life, and to have an abundance of feelings to pull on. Thus naturally, artistes are people who have a flair for life and the dramatics.
I've always been someone who felt a lot. I can sympathize with almost anything. I am what you would call, emotionally receptive. I can't seem to feel anything now. I walk around, I converse, I make jokes, I laugh at the appropriate time, or when people laugh at some joke made. But I am so emotionally detached from everything. I feel slightly numb. Is that normal?
Oh god, I wish I could just get my eyes to close. Sleep is pretty much the thing I need the most right now. Do you know what it's like to go through the whole night not sleeping, and instead looking at your bedspread, the patterns, simply because you cant sleep? When was the last time you sat in bed unable to sleep, and see the light slowly come through your window?
Depressing. Really depressing, especially when all I want to do is sleep.
I feel like I'm blind sometimes, moving along by my sense of intuition alone. It is like I am reaching towards this big confusing whirlpool of lights and colors and sounds, stretching my fingers out as far as they can go. I am boldly yet tentatively feeling around me for another person's hand, just waiting to make a connection with someone. I know it probably sounds so ridiculous and laughable - maybe even pathetic - but I really just want to find that a sanctuary; I want to come home.
Here's a quote which truly sums up what love is.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like "maybe we should be just friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."
The Sandman- Neil Gaiman (thank you Janice for the quote)
Love is, weakness.
It makes one vulnerable to all kinds of unpleasant scenarios and emotions. Love is an open wound that exposes you to all sorts of germs and bacterium, all ready to attack you. Instead of micro-organisms, it is doubt and uncertainty that attacks you. Bringing you down, down to your knees.
Love, can do the most epic things, at both ends of the spectrum. Immobilize a whole forward-surging army or to move a mountain. It brings us to do great things, or could just lead us on the trail towards nothingness. Nothing but pure heartache and pain.
Love makes people change. Change although being almost inevitable, is not something constant when it comes to human character. It wants to make you dream big, think about the future. Just that these dreams and aspirations aren't selfish and you must share it with that special someone. Selflessness is a total defiance against you. Once again, an act of weakness, brought about by love.
So... love really is a weakness.
I’ll let this city burn as everyone sleeps, so that we could be alone, together.
Labels: Education, Emotions, Life, Love
11:40:00 PM
Monday, October 27, 2008
I am a slave to my books. Its pages dictate my life.
I need to study. Really hard. The crunch is here. My stomach churns every time I realise how important my 'A' Levels are. It is really, the whole embodiment of my academic journey. Plus, having me wasted a year already, this counts even more and "You better not screw up after all these years ah!" just rings in my head constantly. I must admit that I have backslide throughout these last two years at school, I entered being really fiery about my studies and I set myself high standards. I guess it was through my performance in the first few months that I managed to get to Cambridge. It's ironic because I think Cambridge broke my momentum but I don't want to blame anything or anybody, it really does boil down to me anyway. However, I'm feeling the drive coming back to me. Can't wait for it to be over, then it'll be the Canadian ski trip and flying to Indonesia in Singapore colours to compete (I'm currently placed 6th in the Under-21 category, in S.E.A Hooray!) before enlistment. Okay, I'm not looking forward to army life. How regimented and mundane; I'm infamous for always getting into trouble with authority.
Right now, I hate being unoccupied because having nothing to do only causes me to think. Although I don't think as intensely as the previous times, it's still there and it tightens the immediate peripheral area surrounding my heart and making it constricted.
My heart can't beat the way it wants to. I have found myself trying to make myself happy lately, finding various ways to amuse myself. I have not done this in awhile, I've realized. This is because I had a constant source of ever flowing happiness, like a well dug into an artesian aquifer. At least, the happiness is on a hiatus.
I'm relieved, but what worries me, is that I would lose it. Losing it would cause the sky to go bleak, for birds to lose their bearings, to fall out of my sky and on to the pavement to serve as reminders. Reminders of how flight can be taken away from them like how everything else could be taken away from us if we're careless. I mustn't be careless; I must not let my guard down. I have constantly said and even promised to become a better person, to rectify my faults.
I must admit, I have said this on a whim, while looking for a quick solution. That's me- always looking for the quick fix-it and not looking at the real root. This time, I want to be committed to change; I can't make her angry anymore. I have got to be sensitive towards how other people feel. This is ridiculous; it's like pulling stones from out of mid air and just tripping over them after they fall onto the ground. I am creating my own problem. I am ridiculous and all these nonsense has got to stop. I have to be patient, for time is of the essence. Every minute that passes by, I hope has a remedying effect. Please Lord, I hope this time is not wasted and that I think really very hard, about the person I want to be.
Oh no, I've said too much. Just needed the reprieve.Labels: Education, Life, Love, Random Ruminations
3:59:00 PM
Monday, July 21, 2008
I had the strangest of dreams last night. In it, I saw myself leaving this world (or dying to be blunt). Now if I were to be one who interprets dreams as a vision of the near future, I'd honestly be quite alarmed. But I do believe everyone has their place in time.
Death is inevitable, it’s not something we can control. All of us will eventually leave this world at some point. I guess the only power we do have, is the control over our own lives during our time alive.
As cliché as the saying might be, I reckon the happiest of people truly are the ones who 'live each day as if its their last'. They are the ones who treasure every single moment and will probably leave the world without regrets when the time comes..
I thought about something along that line.. I thought about my last 24 hours. If I were to be forewarned that I only had 24 hours left to live, this would be what I'd want to do..
Assuming the day starts at 12am..
I'd be at a sleepover with my closest friends. Obviously sleep will not be on the agenda. (We've all spent a third of our lives sleeping away.. why waste more hours during your last?) Anyway, we'll just stay up and enjoy each other's company all through the night.
Then in the morning, I’d meet up with old friends for a little kick about. I love soccer, and I miss all those moments of us guys getting all soaked with perspiration from morning football before school assembly..
Come afternoon, I’d have a gathering of sorts with every single person I know, over a lunch party. It'd be an opportunity to meet and just have fun with all these wonderful friends for the very last time..
After the party, I’d make a trip down with all my personal possessions to a Children's Home. I can actually still recall the very first time I volunteered at a Home.. it really touched my heart and changed my life somewhat. The one last deed I’d want to do for these children, is to put a smile on their faces and remind them that comewhatmay, they hold the destiny of their own lives..
Dinner. I'd cook dinner and have my last meal.. with my family. You've probably never heard me say this, but despite my disagreements and everything else with my parents..the family unit to me, is still the most important thing in life.
In the closing few hours before it strikes midnight.. I'd spend some time alone to reminisce all of life's happy memories. I'd write a personal letter to thank every single person who've made my life a beautiful journey. Then, in the final few minutes, I’d close my eyes with a smile, and breathe my last..
How would you spend your last 24 hours?Labels: Dreams, Life, Random Ruminations
9:44:00 PM
