Monday, October 27, 2008
I am a slave to my books. Its pages dictate my life.
I need to study. Really hard. The crunch is here. My stomach churns every time I realise how important my 'A' Levels are. It is really, the whole embodiment of my academic journey. Plus, having me wasted a year already, this counts even more and "You better not screw up after all these years ah!" just rings in my head constantly. I must admit that I have backslide throughout these last two years at school, I entered being really fiery about my studies and I set myself high standards. I guess it was through my performance in the first few months that I managed to get to Cambridge. It's ironic because I think Cambridge broke my momentum but I don't want to blame anything or anybody, it really does boil down to me anyway. However, I'm feeling the drive coming back to me. Can't wait for it to be over, then it'll be the Canadian ski trip and flying to Indonesia in Singapore colours to compete (I'm currently placed 6th in the Under-21 category, in S.E.A Hooray!) before enlistment. Okay, I'm not looking forward to army life. How regimented and mundane; I'm infamous for always getting into trouble with authority.
Right now, I hate being unoccupied because having nothing to do only causes me to think. Although I don't think as intensely as the previous times, it's still there and it tightens the immediate peripheral area surrounding my heart and making it constricted.
My heart can't beat the way it wants to. I have found myself trying to make myself happy lately, finding various ways to amuse myself. I have not done this in awhile, I've realized. This is because I had a constant source of ever flowing happiness, like a well dug into an artesian aquifer. At least, the happiness is on a hiatus.
I'm relieved, but what worries me, is that I would lose it. Losing it would cause the sky to go bleak, for birds to lose their bearings, to fall out of my sky and on to the pavement to serve as reminders. Reminders of how flight can be taken away from them like how everything else could be taken away from us if we're careless. I mustn't be careless; I must not let my guard down. I have constantly said and even promised to become a better person, to rectify my faults.
I must admit, I have said this on a whim, while looking for a quick solution. That's me- always looking for the quick fix-it and not looking at the real root. This time, I want to be committed to change; I can't make her angry anymore. I have got to be sensitive towards how other people feel. This is ridiculous; it's like pulling stones from out of mid air and just tripping over them after they fall onto the ground. I am creating my own problem. I am ridiculous and all these nonsense has got to stop. I have to be patient, for time is of the essence. Every minute that passes by, I hope has a remedying effect. Please Lord, I hope this time is not wasted and that I think really very hard, about the person I want to be.
Oh no, I've said too much. Just needed the reprieve.Labels: Education, Life, Love, Random Ruminations
3:59:00 PM
