Friday, November 07, 2008
I have just had the most horrible night possible. It is interesting, how your own body can defy your own wishes.
I spent the whole night willing myself to sleep, or at least for my eyes to close, so that they won't be so devastatingly dry. I think I fell into a stupor around 4 this morning, and awoke again at 6.
Since then, I've went running and come back and... No yeah, that's all I've done since 7 this morning. I feel uncommonly detached from everything today. I can't seem to really process what's going on around me. I hear music playing, but I can't tell what song it is. I hear people speaking to me, but it takes time for me to process what they say and who is speaking to me. I read a book, and the words enter my mind, but it doesn’t process. In less time than I take to churn out an essay, I've finished an entire new book, without an understanding on what the story is about.
Even now, while I'm sitting in front of my computer, I can't seem to feel. I don't know whether the air conditioner is on, I don't know what's going on outside. I just seem to be in a daze. Is this what not sleeping does to you? I feel so detached.
I tried to cry just now, just to see if I could. I know there are actors out there who can turn on the tears automatically, but that has always been one skill that escaped me. The most that I could do was maybe to make my eyes slightly moist. I can't do that even now.
Acting is an incredible skill. To replicate certain emotions, you turn inside yourself, and you invoke that particular feeling through situations that you have been in before. To be a performer, it is essential to have a passion for life, and to have an abundance of feelings to pull on. Thus naturally, artistes are people who have a flair for life and the dramatics.
I've always been someone who felt a lot. I can sympathize with almost anything. I am what you would call, emotionally receptive. I can't seem to feel anything now. I walk around, I converse, I make jokes, I laugh at the appropriate time, or when people laugh at some joke made. But I am so emotionally detached from everything. I feel slightly numb. Is that normal?
Oh god, I wish I could just get my eyes to close. Sleep is pretty much the thing I need the most right now. Do you know what it's like to go through the whole night not sleeping, and instead looking at your bedspread, the patterns, simply because you cant sleep? When was the last time you sat in bed unable to sleep, and see the light slowly come through your window?
Depressing. Really depressing, especially when all I want to do is sleep.
I feel like I'm blind sometimes, moving along by my sense of intuition alone. It is like I am reaching towards this big confusing whirlpool of lights and colors and sounds, stretching my fingers out as far as they can go. I am boldly yet tentatively feeling around me for another person's hand, just waiting to make a connection with someone. I know it probably sounds so ridiculous and laughable - maybe even pathetic - but I really just want to find that a sanctuary; I want to come home.
Here's a quote which truly sums up what love is.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like "maybe we should be just friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."
The Sandman- Neil Gaiman (thank you Janice for the quote)
Love is, weakness.
It makes one vulnerable to all kinds of unpleasant scenarios and emotions. Love is an open wound that exposes you to all sorts of germs and bacterium, all ready to attack you. Instead of micro-organisms, it is doubt and uncertainty that attacks you. Bringing you down, down to your knees.
Love, can do the most epic things, at both ends of the spectrum. Immobilize a whole forward-surging army or to move a mountain. It brings us to do great things, or could just lead us on the trail towards nothingness. Nothing but pure heartache and pain.
Love makes people change. Change although being almost inevitable, is not something constant when it comes to human character. It wants to make you dream big, think about the future. Just that these dreams and aspirations aren't selfish and you must share it with that special someone. Selflessness is a total defiance against you. Once again, an act of weakness, brought about by love.
So... love really is a weakness.
I’ll let this city burn as everyone sleeps, so that we could be alone, together.
Labels: Education, Emotions, Life, Love
11:40:00 PM
