Monday, November 03, 2008
It's almost 3am now but I can't seem to get to sleep. I guess it's alright though, because in the stillness of night and early morning, that's when I'm truly at peace with myself, and with the world.
Everything is so quiet and tranquil. The calming silence so still, it's almost as if I can reach out and grab it in my hand. But no matter how hard I try to grab it, it always escapes my grasp.
Wisps of air so fragile, so endearing to the touch, yet so brittle. So liberating, yet its something that can only be felt by one when the soul is vulnerable and completely naked to the world. But many a times, we block out many things. People, feelings, emotions.. just so we can feel safe.
We become hardened and tough; essential in this world where harm is rampant. But in doing so, we hurt countless people along the way. We push them aside, brush them off, yell at them. Yet most of them come in peace, willing to bear their soul to us, to help us even.
But because of the lies and hurt we've been through, we misjudge them and perceive them as a threat. I admit, I am like that. I find it hard to trust people and I do know that has inevitably hurt some people.
I also find it hard to be completely honest with people. Not that I don't want to, but because.. well, just because. The only time I can be really honest with myself, is at night. When everyone is asleep and the harsh glare of light is absent..
When the calming night air permeates my soul and releases me from the things I fear about. Free from the clutches of fear.. and being totally able to be myself.
No lies. No fears. No tears.
Just for those few hours, and everything will be alright. Those few precious hours when I have all the time to myself, away from everyone else. The hours that brings memories rushing back, and just for that short period, time stops, and I relieve everything.
Knowing that time cannot bring back those memories, that no matter how hard I try, it's all in the past and never to return again. Knowing that one day, everything I know, everyone I have come to love and treasure, will ultimately disappear.
And the only thing that will stay, are the very memories that we share. Materialistic things, as beautiful as they are to hold in your hand, they too, will ultimately go away. But memories stay. In our heads, in our hearts where no-one can taint it.
Where no-one can taint the moments that we spent with the people around us. And while memories may fade away, they never really disappear. Just hidden away, waiting for the right moment to appear once again.
If you ever see me sitting quietly by myself, perhaps with my eyes closed, just leave me for alone for awhile and I will be eternally grateful to you.
2:56:00 AM
